Like I was saying tho, I did some real reflection of asking myself the same thing Dr. Perry and Oprah posed to each other, “what happened to you” and “what happened to you because of that.” I found out that I had a bad case of control issues and horrible habits of lying and manipulating. Now the fun part was realizing what habits I created because of the habits I picked up. Cues drumroll* It was the fear of codependency. I hated to see my mother depend on people and when she did it was usually because she manipulated them. So because I didn’t have this same cycle and “was working so hard to break generational curses”, I always tried to be the guy to do everything for himself. This developed into a disdain for codependency and lack of trust in people to come to your rescue.
*Tbh, I’ve seen my mother be codependent because of the lack of support she got from her parents and husband.*
To be clear, my fear of codependency created a mindset forcing myself to suffer in silence, crutching on resilient, even if it’s dogmatic.
Now let’s create space to talk about “resilience”:
After reading Kyle Goodman’s book, I too, hate the idea of being resilient. I hate the idea that we always have to “suck it up” and “get over it”. It’s always POC that has to suck it up. Other people get therapy and treatments and solutions already prescribed. Not us, we can’t sit in our emotions because we are too busy thinking about what’s to “get over it.”
Hopefully, you start to see the pattern here. Because after about 30 mins of venting and ranting my whole class was speechless just looking at me. The best thing from all that was my student told me she really appreciated me creating this space to talk about this stuff because she’s not able to even think this deep in her own life. Another student was writing down quotes from my rant and asking for me to repeat certain references I mentioned.
I guess this should be the point where I offer advice, but truthfully, I don’t have much to offer. It was really good to show those students what a mental breakdown looks like and how important it is to talk through it with people. I also think that life is hard and unfair right now. I am done trying to fight for control. If you feel connected to anything that I’ve shared and want to some encouragement, here’s my process :
01
Dig Deep
Dig deep and find out your nasty truths .
02
Gain Clarity
Get in an encouraging community to gain clarity
03
Self Awareness
Ask yourself what habits you’ve gained from your environment and the habits you’ve created because of your experiences.
04
Habit Formation
Okay, fr, raise awareness of the thing you don’t like and create habits to address it.
*Hold on tight and breathe while you go on your mindfuck journey.*
“Nobody can stop you but you, so go for it. Nobody can stop you, but you, so go easy on yourself.”
-Mariah L. Walker,
There, shit. That’s the best I have right now. I’m going back to this weird ass period of my life where I’m trying to let God do his thing without getting in the way. Until the next one, stay vulnerable, courageous, gand authentic. If you don’t feel full ; ask yourself what has you feeling empty.
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