I’m so sick and tired of myself. I have exposed myself as a manipulative, lying, bread-eating, loner with a lot of unresolved childhood traumas and experiences that have made me fear the idea of codependency and crippled my ability to open myself for opportunities to trust.

I’ll pause so you can read all that shit again. You’d have a hard time trying to execute your best self if you found yourself in a mindfuck like this too. If you resonate with even a piece of my recent epiphany, let me give your flowers and a box of tissue (I understand we need both). 

Now, I would consider this the end of this blog if the goal was just to understand and acknowledge our truths, the not-so-good and/or disgusting things. However, this isn’t that post. Well…it is this post if that’s what you needed to hear; there can be many messages in the same story. 

However, this story keeps going. This part is harder, so grab a buddy or a comfort snack (a loft house sugar cookie in my opinion ) and settle into this bullshit called the hard work. 

*quick backstory*

I got into an incident. Like the Top 5 worst things that could happen. Then I lied to “shakeback”. This is a great time to note I’m a horrible liar. Rightfully so, I got caught. Now I’m at risk of not getting any support from the incident and I’ve been sitting in guilt and shame since.

*This is where we pick back up*

So after discovering all of these nasty truths about myself that hurt my feelings. I, of course, consult my community. Not the supportive ones that will tell me that It’s all okay and that I shouldn’t feel bad, because I did deserve to feel bad. I lied.  I called my encouraging friends that will tell me I was wrong and that it was valid for me to feel guilty and ashamed for not acting on my moral compass. The key difference though, is that friend will then say, “feel your feels, but you can’t stay there” or what was my personal favorite, “what would Brene or Gretchen say?” These are the people that will be at my wedding because they get it, me, rather. They understand what I need to feel motivated or to find some hope. That’s an important thing to have when you’re going through tough stuff, an encouraging community not just supportive people who show up when things are only good and convenient. 

Anyway…

After a long ass vent session with my friend where I walked through a scenario where I was at a Red Table Talk with Brene, Gretchen, Oprah, and William Perry  and a warm-up from today’s lesson: “what is one good habit and not so good habit you got from your family?” 

I sat in front of my students and told them the good thing was my resilience and faith. The bad thing was my attitude and sarcasm. When I was walking on my lunch, the answer just didn’t feel true. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, control. 

Control? Con-fucking-trol. Alexa plays, “Lose Control by Ciara”.

I knew for a fact I had a controlling mother and that’s another post in itself, but looking at how I was raised it was always under the Governance of control. My family was controlling my emotions, my experiences, and my exposure, really all my life until my senior year of high school (again another blog post).

*now if you’re saying, Well it’s your family. They are meant to protect support, encourage and love you. Sometimes it looks like that, especially as a kid.* 

I would say you are so right, but let me ask a question:

What happens to the kid that never got to express the pain from a paper cut when he becomes an adult and faces the same pain?

He doesn’t know what to do. Naturally, though he’s going to rely on his past experiences of how his family told him to handle it which is to “suck it up and tell yourself it doesn’t hurt”. Lie to yourself and invalidate that emotion. Lol family is so funny like that. Anyway, That’s his family controlling his emotions to respond to trauma in the worst way. Next layer, that kid grows up not knowing how to create spaces to handle his emotions or relinquish control because that’s the only way he sees efficiency or joy and sadly the man starts to make decisions based on the habits he grew up in.

 If you’re still following me, great. If not, to sum it up : 

I become that man that operated in the same habits he grew up in, trying to control things. Even worse, I picked up some habit of lying and manipulation, which came from my family, and although I knew I was a bad liar and had too much anxiety around it. My natural response is to control the situation by lying or manipulating the situation to either self-persevere or give myself an opportunity ( that I would think I didn’t deserve if I didn’t lie). 

Quick side story: Pastor Todd of transformation had this great quote one Sunday that summarizes the point, “ What’s one thing that’s in control. That doesn’t have control, That wants control, so things don’t get out of control?” 

I screamed at the television. I crave control because it gives me normalcy. When I’m in control it feels good and safe. The bad thing when I’m in control is that I’m not letting God be in control. That’s the worst part of it all. I don’t allow God the ability to shine over the situation or even help me, because I’m trying not to be dependent. Talk about a tough ass armor against traumas. 

*Now you can come with me down the rabbit hole of why I’m scared to trust God to be in control of my life. Unfortunately, I haven’t even consulted God or my therapist about that one yet.*

Until next time be authentic, courageous, and vulnerable.